Just When You Think The Pain Stopped

[Dorothy Williams]

You know there have been ties when I have literally blamed myself for the death of my son who was 18 at the time. I made so many mistakes in bringing him up. Being a mother at 19 for the very first time, didn't help. I knew nothing, and learned all the wrong things from the wrong people. I blamed God for leaving me, when it was me who left him. I have only the saving grace that my son and I made peace with each other and the love was never stronger before someone took his life, because they couldn't make him be a drug boy. The pain took several years to ease so I wouldn't cry as soon as someone who didn't know that he was gone asked me about him. But just when I thought I could deal with his life gone from ours, the Holidays, and sometimes a conversation will bring it all back. My daughter is still secretly grieving too, it shows in other ways though. I have been told that I should go and seek therapy for me and my family. I have been talking to God these past 14 years and he is the only way I've made it this far. Thank you Runett for creating an outlet for we mothers or fathers who are grieving in silence and dying inside everyday. My grief runs deep; My son, My mother, and one granchild. Be blessed. And thanks for being a blessing for others.

[RuNett Nia Ebo]

Dottie,
I can remember the year I made a new friend who joined our church. She was a sad, quiet woman whose expression seemed to say, "Please, just let me come to worship God for this short time and disappear. I don't want anyone to talk to me or try to be my friend." Well, I did try. She and I became very good friends and one day she shared with me that her estranged husband had killed her son. It took a lot for her to open up about it and I respected her courage. I also understood her need to be unnoticed.
When my son took his life, I wanted to be unnoticed. I was so wrapped up in self-blame, I did not need anyone pointing and saying, "there's that woman whose son comitted suicide." I was consumed with questions. I kept asking myself if I missed the signals. Was there something I should have seen or heard. I mean, you hear people say all the time, "a mother knows these things." Ironically, that is just not always the truth. Just like the Bible says, we know not the day nor the hour ; there are certain things we just never see coming. We don't always know the circumstances either. No matter how much others point fingers or place blame, sometimes there is no way to watch them 24-7. All we can do is love them, teach them, nurture them, protect them as best we can, and let them go. Most of all and no matter where they are, pray for them! Teach them who God is and pray for them. Especially when they are African American males- pray for them. I know some might say pray for all of your children equally but the truth is that far too many of our males are dying through acts of violence and drug addiction.
Our children are "on loan" and they truly are living on borrowed time. There are many dangers out here and even though we know some of them; we do not know them all. We have to accept that. No matter how careful we are; things happen. Yet, by the grace of God we will go on and our children may be gone but they are never forgotten.

[Victoria Huggins Peurifoy]

As I read through RuNett's and Dottie's comments, I thought about a song we sing in church called, He Keeps blessing me"...over and over... I think of my husband and my brother both at the same time. They were the same age, same mind set, same bad habits but different deaths. My brother died first. He too committed suicide because someone told him he was going to jail because of a DUI on his record. Since driving was his livelihood, not being able to drive because of the DUI killed him. I was so upset and angry with him, for I felt that he could have come and spoken to me about how he was feeling and then I could have squashed his concerns. But no one had a chance to say anything. I thought he was my rock and then he crumbled.

My beloved husband left this earth consumed with throat cancer that invaded the rest of his body. I did everything that I could do to help where I could, but the cancer wanted him and so did I. I wanted him to live, to celebrate 30 years next year, listen to him fussing about what the kids had done, to go to the beach and just walk back and forth through the water. I wanted that, nothing major just simple things and the cancer took him from me. Not God. God keeps blessing me in that I can pray, and sing and keep looking to him everyday. It's hard and lonely and difficult being without my brother's love and my husband's love. It's even hard to sit here and write this. Everyone says, “You are so strong”...I'm really not; I just put up a great facade. I pray for each of you please pray for me. And keep singing “He keeps blessing me…over and over…keeps blessing me.”

[Dorothy Williams]

I know this to be true. There is not a day tha goes by that I don't think about Solomon. He would have been 38 this year. I think about the last conversation we had face to face and think why didn't I see this coming. But we don't know God's plans. I think about what is going on in these streets now and thank God he's not here now. God knows better than we do. Now I can think about him with fond thoughts and memories. Same with my Mom. There are things going on now that she would definitely not be happy about. So God is the best of planners. His ways are not ours. I have accepted that and can go on now. My love is eternal for them and for my children now. I thank God for friends like you and Victoria who can truly relate to my pain as I do yours.